Seeking Him

Humbled and struggling

First, the humbling experience:

Back in April, I hosted a sleepover with the JH girls that I walk alongside with. The date fell about the same time as taxes – and I took a fairly hefty hit this year due to some poor planning, which I’ll get into with the struggling piece. Anyway, I’ve been with most of these girls since they were beginning seventh grade – they are just now graduating into ninth. So, it’s been awhile. We’ve developed a really strong bond and I love being with them, watching them grow in Christ. I have been deeply blessed by each of the girls and I thank God for them daily.

To the point – as I was trying to fall asleep, the girls were staying up and chit chatting. No biggie – it’s what teens do. But then I smelled it…the putrid, rancid smell of burnt popcorn. Okay, one bag – maybe someone brought it. And then, I heard the microwave go off again and another bag of burnt popcorn had completed it’s incubation. Two bags. So, I get up to see what’s going on – only to find that the girls had rummaged through my pantry and had invaded the contents of the barren desert. Mind you, I had just gone grocery shopping and what we had, had to feed me and my son until the next payday. That means, whatever treats we had, well – they were just that. Treats.

I was in tears. Not because of the burnt popcorn – but because they had gotten into other items as well and had devoured most of the contents of my pantry. I struggled with the tears. On one hand – my kid had nothing to eat for two weeks, other than meals. On the other – I should have been in a position where I could have provided munchies for the girls. I mean, it’s to be expected.

Tonight, two months later – I opened a drawer I never open, and I found a note from the girls. Wrapped up in that note of apology and love was all the money they had on them that night. All $27.18 of it. I burst into tears…again.

Man, I don’t think I’ll ever, EVER, be as humbled as I was when I saw what they had done. Which just compounds the struggle…

I coach cheer – and have done so all two years I’ve been with the current school. But lately, I’ve lost the joy and energy I’ve had for it…it’s become wrought with stress and disgust. Sometimes, I cannot believe how much of myself I pour into the girls, their parents, the administration, the school – and yet, still be unappreciated and undervalued.

I put so much of my time and energy into the squads that I’ve neglected my family, my friends, myself.

So – I am at a crossroads. Is the possibility of resignation a sign that God wants me to move on…that I’ve done what He’s asked me to accomplish and now needs me for a different path? Or is it the human emotions getting the better of me…

And so, I pray. I pray for discernment…for openness to hear His voice…for strength to follow where He’s leading me even though I do not know the destination…for weakness so I may be humbled enough to hear Him and follow Him, so I do not control my path.

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