**I originally posted this two days ago and labeled it as private. I have been wrestling with transparency and realized that it’s time to take my head out from under the covers. Challenge accepted and met. Those who know me best are the ones that read this blog anyway, so why keep the post private? I do have one simple request: I am still hibernating and true to what this post says, I do not – do NOT – want any comments on this post. I need silence while I process…please. Otherwise, my healing will take longer than necessary. With that said…here I am…**
I hibernate. I don’t expect anyone to understand why I do it, nor do I want to hear suggestions as to how to handle life or what I should do or yada yada yada. I really don’t want noise right now.
Every once in awhile, I break. I cannot always be strong – I can’t. I wish people would notice that I am just as weak, if not more so, as I am strong. They always comment about my strength – what it must take in order to do all that I do. But seriously, that strength isn’t 100% firm in its foundation. If it were, I’d be unshakeable. And I shake. Often. Hard. Teeth chattering, bone jarring shake.
I really do not understand why God created me with such a sensitive soul, yet wants me in places where that sensitivity gets trampled. I don’t understand why I have to continually break down. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why I care more than I should – why I put more into people than I get back. I don’t get how I am going to parent a teenager through the next few years without losing my sanity. I don’t get why I should fear my child, but I do. I don’t know why God thinks I can make it through all of these obstacles and come out stronger. I don’t get it.
The only way I can survive – the only way I know how to survive – is to hide. I call it hibernating. And that’s exactly what my soul needs sometimes. Peace and quiet, no noise, just me – God – my thoughts – my calm. That’s how I can rebuild my shattered soul – only to have it thrashed again within months. I desperately need the pieces put back together again because I am tired. I am weary. I want rest.
I need someone in my life who can be my strength for me when I am weak. Not friends. Not family. I need that better half that complements me and I him. That person that I can hold and be strong for when they need it; someone who can let me collapse into their arms and allow me to be weak. And love me even more for it. I know I have God for all of this, but I yearn for that human connection – that touch – that whisper in my ear that I am loved. I need that affirmation. And I need it in order to become strong again.
I’m tired, God. Tired. What else do you want me to do to show you I am ready to be blessed? That I am in the “right” place and can treasure that blessing? What more do you want from me? I’ve given you all that you’ve asked and more. God. Please. I’m tired.