Seeking Him

On being a hypocrite

This week’s challenge at church was to be honest with someone about where you are in your faith right now. Well…now…hypocrisy does expand beyond my faith, so I thought I’d just come clean all together. Stick me on an overhead, because I’m being pretty transparent!

  • I complain about cheer. Often. I claim I’m going to quit. Often. I say “this is it – no more after this year!” Often. Yet, I’ve committed to another year. Not for the money, not for the glamour. But because I really love the girls and know, deep down, that next year will really be a better year.
  • I committed to supporting Cassie, monthly, while she’s in Spain. However, I haven’t been able to afford to cut her a check since the beginning of the new year. She’s only at 80% raised and I made a pledge, a commitment – and I simply cannot honor it right now. It makes me feel like poo.
  • I claim I want a boyfriend/husband/relationship, yet I do absolutely nothing to make that happen. Instead, I over-commit  myself to things to the point where I don’t have time for myself or my family/friends. I believe this is because I fear failing at yet another relationship. My heart can only get hurt so many times before I want to keep it safely protected in bubble wrap.
  • I love leading a group of JH girls. Yet, there are some Wednesday nights where I simply don’t have the energy to devote to them (see above). And then I feel guilty because I’m not giving them my all when they deserve that and more.
  • I’ve done nothing by complain about hosting a foreign exchange student (see previous posts) yet have not bothered to share all of the good this experience has brought. And the growth that has happened within the past month.
  • I want to be independent and I love being in my house, yet I feel like I bought it just to buy it – and that it still doesn’t feel like it’s really mine. I think this is because I didn’t honor God when we were living in our condo and that experience has me ultra-sensitive to making sure I don’t make the same mistakes. And that I stay committed to this being God’s house.
  • I sometimes find myself in the middle of the gossip circle at work with no willpower to walk away.
  • I haven’t had quiet time with God since before Christmas. I am still only mid-way through Luke.
  • I don’t write my prayers like I used too.
  • Since not making time with God a priority during the week, I have opted to not go to JH worship – where help is desperately needed – so I can be getting filled up in big church. There is a constant need for coaches to be at JH worship yet I cannot pull myself away from going to big church – my selfishness keeps my butt planted in the seat so I can be close to God. Even if it is just for an hour or so, once a week. I’m afraid if I break this habit, then I won’t be developing spiritually and will not be in a position to be a leader to youth. Wrestling with the guilt over not going to JH worship consumes me – a lot.
  • That said – I am not in a small group. I desperately desire to be in a small group – but I have no time to be in one. I keep putting it on hold. I keep saying, after season – when I’m not at practices/games twice a week – and dealing with mommy stuff – then I’ll find a group. But I fear that I won’t find a good fit and then I’ll be scared off from the hunt for a long time. So – fear overrides desire at this point. Lame.

I hate being stuck. I hate making excuses. Yet – my life is the way it is because I created it to be this way. If I truly wanted to change everything listed above, then I would. So why don’t I?

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