I think I must be slightly crazy. I prayed a very dangerous prayer last night – so dangerous, that when I was finished and my senses were coming back to me, I let an “Oh shiz!” slip from my mouth as I reflected on what I had just asked God to do for me. Here’s the gist:
Faith the size of a mustard seed. If I had that, would I continually be praying for a husband? Why can’t I overcome years of learned self-deprecation so I can move beyond this point?! If I keep telling God, “I’m ready,” yet keep my heart and mind closed off to any possibility of hope – how can He bless me? Aren’t I now a victim – no – a PRODUCT of my own sabotage? How do I stop setting myself up for failure? How do I allow God to penetrate this part of my soul?
My favorite verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – “Rejoice. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circrumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
But, in all honesty – I often hide behind these words and say, “I’m happy. Being single is where god wants me to be. This is His will for me.” But, I’m only lying to myself and to those who hear. This is NOT where God wants me.
God designed me for marriage, just as he designed me to teach. I know that. I – Feel – It. I believe it just as I believe God exists. God hasn’t answered my prayers because I haven’t allowed him.
And so – after this ACCEPTANCE (see Cassie – I listened to you!), I prayed for God to break me in this area. For Him to get through and break the shell that holds me from being blessed by Him. But asking to be broken is dangerous. I’ve been broken by God before and the pain isn’t fun – but what comes from the pain and broken-ness is absolutely beautiful. I was talking with Brandy and I told her that I was scared…that I couldn’t figure out if this was really a sign of strength or a sign of stupidity. She said this to me:
“Asking to be broken can be a difficult thing. But I think it shows a sign of strength. We all know what it’s like to be broken and you’re asking for that pain. But it’s usually the pain that we grow from. Don’t be scared. If you’re asking for this, God will bless you beyond comprehension. You’re not crazy. Just ready to grow.”
So, dear friends, I have no idea what I will look like when God begins to break me. I just know that I will need you – all of you – to be there when I fall to pieces.
On a side note…
My brother called my parents last night and had a very long talk with them. Looks like my nephew will be coming out in a couple of weeks to live with my parents. My brother and his wife don’t know what else to do – they’ve tried everything but nothing is working. Drew is just not taking their authority seriously. But who can blame him? After almost 14 years, not once did his step-mom treat him as her own. Never. Not once. His acting out is a product of the lack of “home” they’ve provided him in the past 14 years.
I know my brother wouldn’t ask my parents for help if he weren’t serious about wanting his kid to get a fresh start, to turn his life around, to know what it’s like to be surrounded by unconditional love. I can’t sit here and ask – repeatedly – “where were you for the past 14 years? why couldn’t YOU give him unconditional love?” All I can do is show my nephew what it means to be a part of a family and to be loved unconditionally. God extends this love to us; I think my nephew more than deserves to know what God’s love feels like.
I hope that during this time, my brother and his wife figure things out…recognize that they cannot continue to live life without God. I hope that they learn to be dependent upon God. I hope that just as God is breaking me – that they too are broken so they can let God in. God’s been gone from my brother’s life far too long, my desire is for him to find God again…and if it takes this pain, this hurt of feeling like a failure as a parent, to let God penetrate his heart, then it’s all worth it.