I can’t even write a complete sentence right now. It took me 5 tries before I just stopped and wrote that first word. And now, I’m writing the thoughts that are running through my mind. I don’t know where to begin – I don’t even know why I decided to log on and write a post. That’s a lie. Of course I do. But why do I want to write the truth – in black and white – for all the world to see? What if all this does is set me up for failure? Shoot me down before I ever have the chance to fly?
I feel my cold heart softening. Now, I know my heart isn’t made of pure ice – but there is a specific area that has hardened itself to life, to outside influences. I’ll freely admit that I’ve shut down one part of me and kept it pushed as far back into the recesses of my mind as it could go. But after praying and asking God to break me…and reading into every nuance between then and now…I feel like there is an internal change going on within. I know this to be true because I can feel life fluttering inside that deep hole I’ve dug. There is an instinct that has me yearning to protect the very thing that is at the root of WHY I want to be broken.
On some days, there is a deep sense of peace – but today, today there is a sadness. Not a sadness due to loss, but a sadness due to empathy. I let a couple of tears slide free while I was with my JH girls tonight. I couldn’t contain them. It wasn’t a deep, throbbing sob. Just a couple of loose tears that were shed selflessly…because I want nothing more than for God to provide shelter for this thing. To protect it. To wrap His arms around it. To comfort it. To make it feel God’s love.
We could both use God’s love right now…and each other.