Seeking Him

Heavy mind

I woke up this morning feeling very melancholy. I thought maybe it was because my break is coming to a close and I have to return to work tomorrow. I skipped church and set out to just relax and enjoy some “me” time. But I don’t think this is entirely the reason for my melancholy.

I had a dream last night. I saw my grandmother. I haven’t seen her since my grandfather passed away. She came in my dream – I remember, because the circumstances of her appearing are very odd. In my dream, my dog was able to go in and out of my parents’ bedroom to their backyard because there was a small opening in the window. I followed her in to see how she was coming and going, and then I had to use the restroom. I had just sat down when I saw someone standing in the door frame. It took time for my eyes to adjust to realize and recognize my grandmother. She looked beautiful, as always. I remember seeing her and saying, “Grams?!” And then popping off the pot, and running into her arms. I remember crying…not hard, but enough that I know I cried in her arms. At some point, we both ended up on the bathroom floor, just talking. I remember playing with a towel I was sitting on – telling her I felt like a failure because the family had fallen apart. I know she sat there, quietly nodding and smiling – how she always responded when people talked and she listened. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation, I vaguely recall her asking me to be open to love and I told her it was one of my “I Will” statements for the year. And I also remember asking her why I can’t ever see Gramps…and she said it was because he hadn’t “reached this level yet.” I don’t know what that means…she said he was well and he was off practicing singing. Hunh? And then she promised me she wouldn’t wait so long between visits next time and then I saw her disappear into the light.

I have no clue what any of this means. I can’t unwrap it and define it because it feels very fuzzy to me. There’s a lot missing, I know there is. I just hope she holds true to her promise and I do see her again, soon, and often.

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