Seeking Him

Reflection

Last year, I made a list of “I Will” statements…not resolutions, but a list of things that I would accomplish in 2010. Reflecting back on the year, I am amazed that no matter how you word it (silly semantics), it is always difficult to accomplish something unless you have the true mindset to get it done. Instead of looking back on my list and getting upset about all that I did not do in full – I am proud of the habits I have established and the momentum I have gained. Here’s a recap…

In 2010, I will…

1. read the entire Bible – while this has not happened, I am happy with the fact that I am taking the time to actually read the Word on a daily basis. God doesn’t care if I complete the Bible plan in full, on time – all He cares about is the fact that I am willing to step away from the busy-ness and meet Him on a daily basis. I will continue to follow the reading plan (it’s chronological – now you know why I didn’t complete it in a year! You try reading the Old Testament with a clear head and try to fully understand the written word!) and hopefully, I will actually finish it this year.

2. be a better “light” – bwahahahahaha. Just when I think I’ve “got it!”, I get slapped upside the head with a very funky dream about one person, in particular, whom I am NOT being a Christian toward. Now, I know that God will plant other people in this person’s life to love them and what not, but I *could* be more Christian and less human. I can’t tell how well I’ve achieved this goal (aside from this one person) – it’s difficult to see the impact we’ve made on someone while we’re in their lives…not to mention, it isn’t something I should be bragging about. God will let me know when I’ve done well.

3. have a weekly “fun date” with Justin – due to finances, this got cut down to Pay Day Fun Day. It just made it easier, less stressful – which is the intent of the date night…or day. Sometimes, it was breakfast on the way in to school/work; other times, it was dinner at a sit-down restaurant. Regardless, the time I get to spend with Justin is what’s important. I love that at his age, he is open with me and we can have some serious talks…and some serious laughs 🙂 I am SO deeply blessed to have him as a son. I know I am not supposed to have any more children – God did good with the one he gave me 🙂

4. reach my goal weight – bwahahahahahahaha! Another failed attempt at Weight Watchers. Not because the program doesn’t work, but because my heart and mind just weren’t in to it. I know that when I am ready, it will happen.

5. budget, track and save – while this didn’t happen as often as I wanted it too, we are in a decent place, financially. The loan modification helped a lot – but the eating out (see #4) hasn’t helped at all. My mind and heart are in to this little item, as I am going through all of last year’s bank statements and seeing how much I truly spent in each budget category. Based on those figures, I will create a real, workable budget…with the goal to save. Hello Hawaii this summer! (see #4 – motivation for my heart and mind!)

6. tithe with a happy heart – while I didn’t tithe on a regular basis, I did give when I could. And when I gave, I did so cheerfully. Now, I stopped tithing at Central when my heart was no longer happy with the church…and while I shopped for a new church home, I did not give. However, by the end of the year (October-ish), I found a new church home and to them, I give happily when I can.

7. be open, dive in, be free (love myself, be open to love) – I’m still working on the loving myself piece of this statement, but it is something I will always need to work on…I don’t know if I will ever be 100% happy with me, but I am at least loving me by creating boundaries and not accepting less than what I deserve. And for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I was open to love. I met someone that I never thought I would love, but I fell in love with him harder and deeper than I ever thought possible. I don’t believe in soul mates, but he is someone I thought I could be with for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, our timing has never meshed up…and right now, I need him to work on loving himself before he can love me in the way I deserve to be loved. I still believe our journey isn’t over – it’s just, right now, our paths are leading in different directions. While mine seems to be continuing, he seems to be stuck in the maze of life. I’ve tried lighting the way for him, I’ve prayed for God to break him, but as of tonight – his time has not come…yet. I love him – and I will love him for a very long time.

I think, for 2011, I am going to keep these same “I Will” statements. I have made progress in each area (even #4 – what with the ups and downs), and I don’t want to lose momentum. They are my goals for life, in general…and each year, I will make more progress on each of them – that is my resolution for 2011 and the years beyond.

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