Seeking Him

Declarations

Here I am again, at the end of a year and the start of a new. This time around, I have decided to declare 2014 to be the year that I “decide I want it more than I am afraid of it” (Bill Cosby). But before I make commitments and declarations as to what “it” is, I want to pause and reflect on all that has happened in 2013.

In 2013:

* My cub turned 18
* He graduated from high school
* He got a job in IT and is making more per hour to start than I did with a BA
* I celebrated a year of togetherness with my beloved
* I became engaged
* I became a published author
* I interviewed for English teaching positions, rejected by the one I wanted and rejecting the one that accepted me
* My house became financially stable
* I encouraged and stood by my love as he quit one aspect of his life and jumped feet first into the unknown
* We witnessed my son go through his own trials and battles, including addiction – and we swaddled him in support as he walked in to a sober life
* I reconnected with old friends and strengthened existing connections
* I lost my Bubba Bear

I’m sure that 2013 saw more than what I can recall, at this moment, as mere minutes remain in this year…but defining my fears is what prompted this post.

And these fears are:

* Committing, wholly and completely, to a fitness routine
* Writing, creatively
* Submitting more pieces for publication; one rejection does not speak for all the publications in existence
* Continually putting my name in the adjunct faculty pool; one rejection does not speak for all the colleges in existence

As small as these four things appear to be, they are the obstacles that I have not been able to overcome. I’ve allowed my fear to cement me in place, not moving forward yet not even close to content with the choices I have made in ignoring these desires. And so, I sit on the precipice of a 365-day deadline. It’s time to jump.

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