I have been trying to figure out how to write this for awhile…
I’ve been living with and watching this spiral for too many years. It’s been a very long road and often a lonely one because I have tried to do all I can on my own. Yes, I’ve asked for help on occasion but neither of us have been 100% honest. Stigma, shame, whatever. Hindsight shows me this was a mistake but that is in the past.
I left because after negotiating for over three-hours, I just couldn’t any longer. Never negotiate with an addict, especially while under the influence because they will never remember and it will do nothing but strip you of all your energy.
It breaks my heart each and every time I negotiate with you. I physically ache to see you in pain – but it hurts more to see you continue on this road instead of in the security and safety of sobriety.
You have always been the one that must do things on your own terms. You could have everything you want – when you’re ready to face the demons of addiction, as well as the internal ones that keep you addicted.
While you may not have run back to one demon, there are so many more vices readily available and accessible to you. In order for you to heal, you need to be removed from everyone and everything so you can focus only on healing. You also need to stop lying and believing your lies – you need to be 100% honest with yourself if you want to move forward. This will take much courage and strength. We know this. But we also know that in order to get to this point, you will have to hit rock bottom.
I knew from the moment I learned of the accident that it was a suicide attempt. It is not unlike ones I have done myself. It is also the reality I’ve been living in for most of our lives. Losing you will destroy me, literally. However, I cannot continue to watch you make the same choices expecting different results.
I know that leaving you is a burden. But it can be relieved the moment you commit to wholly submitting to treatment and letting go of control. I know that my choices will probably hurt you and cause a rift in our relationship. But I have to do what I believe is best for you.
You are and always will be my reason for living and breathing.